There is nothing more romantic than friendship

‘I think the most radical thing you can do right now is to be a good friend’: Dissatisfied with today’s dating climate, young women are opening up about how romantic platonic love can be

Through romcoms, books and dating norms, we have been sold a certain picture of what romance should look like: someone showing up with flowers, sprinkling rose petals in a hotel room, planning an unexpected romantic getaway, or even getting down on one knee. All of these things tend to happen within the context of a romantic relationship. What is less discussed, and less often depicted, is the romance found in friendships. For Anjali Arasasingham, a 22-year-old graphic designer in New York, romance also looks like flowers, thoughtful gifts and effortful plans, but it usually comes from her best friends. “The way I feel with my female friendships is something I’ve never felt about my heterosexual relationships,” says Arasasingham.

Online, especially among young women, there is a growing conversation about how romantic friendships can be, with many people sharing that they find their friendships are more intimate than their romantic relationships. At the end of last year, writer Chanté Joseph posted about aspiring to have a friendship so deep that it sparks dating allegations, like Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo. In the comments, people shared that they “want a person like Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang”. This deep desire for platonic romance may also be why so many Gen Z women are now watching Sex and the City for the first time, resonating with Charlotte’s iconic line: “Maybe we could be each other’s soulmates, and then we can let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.” After all, many romantic relationships begin on the solid foundation of friendship. So, as algorithmic dating culture continues to suck the romance out of modern dating, should we all be seeking – or, at least, further acknowledging – romance within our friendships?

For young women who date men – and who are increasingly dissatisfied with the state of heterosexual dating – romantic friendships are setting the standard for what to expect in love. Arasasingham says she and her friends have similar love languages, giving each other more thoughtful gifts than any romantic partner has. “The more I pour into your platonic relationships, the better I feel,” she says. “And the more it raises my standards for romantic relationships because I feel seen so deeply.” Feifei, a 22-year-old writer in Nigeria, says her friendships have consistently shown her what love is supposed to feel like. “There’s no hot and cold, and I don’t have to constantly prove myself worthy of basic affection,” she says. “My friends love me on my bad days, celebrate my wins without making it weird, and tell me hard truths because they actually care.”

The current gender divide between Gen Z women and men – who not only have different political views, but different dating expectations – could also be seen as a romance divide. In a 2023 survey, close to half of college-educated single women in America reported having trouble finding someone who meets their expectations, including political views, educational background, employment status, and even smoking habits. But, in many cases, they may be able to align on at least some of those fronts with the women around them. “Gender plays a part because, as a woman who has dated both men and women, I find it easier to make strong connections with women, as we generally have the same mindset,” says Thembi Basi, a 29-year-old in Johannesburg.

@ayandastood @ayandastood ♬ Sihlobo Sami - Kenza & Ami Faku

Tiktok failed to load.

Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser

It is hard to measure romance, especially when what we are so often sold as romantic is wrapped up in heteronormativity. That is why even speaking about how loving some friendships feel becomes important to expanding our ideas of what is actually romantic. For Basi, it is the depth of intimacy in her friendships, and the constant knowingness that carries through all stages of life, that makes them feel more romantic than her dating life. “At the moment, dating is feeling quite transactional, and we’re all missing the realness, openness and vulnerability of relationships that’s gotten lost along the way,” she says. “If you take away physical intimacy, how much more value is your partner actually adding to your life compared to your friends?”

Perhaps today’s loneliness epidemic is one reason more people are acknowledging that romance can be found in friendship – or at least that is what Caitlyn Richardson, a writer and creator in New York, theorises. “A lot of the relationships that we have these days are not really built for depth, so we’re not necessarily just looking toward romance, but at something that feels more grounded and sustainable,” she says. To offer this feeling to her friends, she remembers small things they have mentioned in passing, like a book or perfume they love, and brings them to them later. Sometimes, it is simpler: bringing a friend coffee on a difficult day, or showing up without being asked. Many of these gestures were once considered the standard of friendship, before hyper-individualism took over our relationships.

@tinymeatgirlmy female friendships are more romantic than any guy ive ever dated

Tiktok failed to load.

Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser

Like romantic relationships, not all friendships are equally romantic – and not every person is looking for romance in their friendships. There is an entire camp of people posting about how much they detest so-called “high maintenance” friends, saying, “I’m not your boyfriend”. It is why, each year, there is some debate online along the lines of whether asking for a ride to the airport is asking “too much” from a friend. As someone who takes friendship seriously, I have always struggled to develop close relationships with people who consistently put their partner at the centre of their life and treat friendships like an afterthought. That being said, we exist in a society that prioritises romantic love, meaning it often takes active effort to find the balance.

Grace Koyama Chance, a 24-year-old in Sydney, Australia, holds hands with her friends and writes them elaborate love letters. “I outline all the ways I find their essence beautiful, the way I’m proud of them, the gratitude I feel for the way our friendship has evolved, and the unique perspective and ingredient they bring to my life,” she says. “To build barriers to romance as a quality to be experienced only in the structure of a romantic relationship is a big shame; where there is mutual and true admiration, vulnerability and connection, romance is always close by.” And, to Chance and to other young women, it doesn’t matter what label it exists under.

To compare the romance of platonic love to romantic love would be a disservice to the unparalleled beauty of friendship, but acknowledging that romance can come from a range of places opens up a wealth of possibilities for our romantic lives. “I don’t think friendship needs romance’s validation,” says Idowu. “The problem isn’t that friendships aren’t romantic enough; it’s that we’ve spent so long treating romantic love as the only love that counts that we’ve underinvested in our friendships and then wondered why we feel lonely.” The remedy, according to Idowu, is simple: start taking your friendships as seriously as your romantic relationships. “I think the most radical thing you can do right now is to be a good friend,” she says.